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Following Directions

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said….

Signs, Everywhere

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign at a hotel. “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
Sign in a science teacher’s room: “If it moves, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.”
Sign in butchers window: “Pleased to meat you.”
Sign on auto body shop: “May we have the next dents?”
Sign at the dry cleaner’s window: “Drop your pants here.”
Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: “Reserved for plant manager.”
Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: “The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”
Sign in a Norwegian lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: “Please do not disturb further.”

The Sahara What?

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Sure, that’s what they call it NOW!”

A Good Day In Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.
One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”
Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”God exclaimed, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake–he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”
“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”
Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

God And Moses

God and Moses are playing golf. Moses hits a decent first drive. God tops the ball badly, and it rolls just a few feet. But, it’s immediately picked up by a squirrel, who runs towards the hole. The squirrel, and ball, are seized by an eagle, who flies into the air. The eagle is struck by a bolt of lightning, dropping everything. The squirrel falls onto the green, and runs away. The ball plops into the hole. Moses turns to God and says, “Are you gonna play golf, or just screw around?”

The Four Signs Of Growing Old

1) Your memory starts to go

2) Some thing else I forget

3) You start to repeat yourself

4) You start to repeat yourself

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

I don’t want to be a success.  I want to be just like you.

A man never knows what true happiness is until he gets married . . . then it’s too late.

A tree in need of assurance is a quaking aspen.

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